Conquering my recipe phobia

My attitude towards recipes is somewhat dubious; I love the idea of recipes. Actually, I rather love the end result.

If I page through a recipe book I always go for the ones with the best looking picture of something that looks really appetising. Only to discover that I first have to go through twenty five steps in preparation to the actual cooking, which takes another sixty eight steps, after which this super-dish needs to be garnished in an additional hundred and twenty two steps, with spun sugar, chocolate scrapings, marzipain flowers and more delightful things.

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“Well,” I then say to myself, “Maybe it tastes like snot brulee, rather leave it”

or worse; I’d be up to my elbows in flour, three au bain marie pots on the stove for those 3 different colour chocolate sprinklings, five sets of fruit and spices on the go in the oven, and another seven soaking in brandy, while looking at the next step of the recipe: add a little bit of almond essence.

First the disbelief, then the raging anger: I DO NOT HAVE ANY ALMOND ESSENCE!!!

Now everything is RUINED!!!

How could those mo-fo’s not have told me this at the very beginning!!

At which point I would either call the whole thing off and drink the brandy, or run to the shops to quickly go get that f$#@^%$^ing almond essence. This off course after switching off neither the stove, nor the oven.

I’d come back from the shops panting, but filled with victory (on this Sunday, I managed to get the last bottle of almond essence in town only by performing a minor sexual favor to the shop attendant) This off course took a bit longer than expected and I would get home to find, needless to say, everything got burnt.

I would then be inconsolable and end up in the pantry with the brandy anyway, thinking I should have just served everyone jellybabies in yoghurt instead, like usual.

While I suspect my problems are maybe not entirely the fault of the recipe and its devious conceiver, I do wish to elaborate a little on the recipe part of things, because that’s just much easier than starting with my own problems like, say, lack of planning.

Recipes are so intolerably authorative, don’t you find?

"Broil this for 4 ½ minutes, then take it off the stove before adding the rest."

This sounds pretty serious to me; what if I leave it on the stove for 5 minutes?

Well?

Will it become poisonous? Will it spread harmful fumes that may effect the wallpaper? The plants? Will it change my DNA?

Must I have an extractor fan installed before considering this recipe, or will a gass mask do? And what terrible risk is there if I add "the rest" while all is ON the stove?

Well?

Will it merely curdle or is there something really worth thinking about lurking just around the corner? Will it catch alight? Will it boil over? Will it swell and expand to the point where it covers the kitchen floor? Or the whole kitchen? The house?? Will I need to keep the fire extinguisher ready? The vacuum cleaner? Or just a sizable dog to lap up the mess? Well?

I don’t know, it doesn’t say in the recipe, does it!!!

And as far as the ingredients are concerned, well...

Do those people really expect you to have demerara sugar at any given moment? Or saffron for that matter? I’m sorry, but when my husband rushes out before a braai and asks if there’s anything I need, the first thing that pops into my mind is more likely to be beer or chips & dip then glacee cherries or bamboo shoots, I’m afraid.

"Yes, dear, would you please get us some watercress and frosted petals, and also please don’t forget some vinegar. But it can only be terragon vinegar. No love, no other vinegar will do. And then also some dried figs in juniper sauce. But you’ll have to get those at the health shop across town."

Picture this poor man, whose 15 minute chore to go get a boerie and 2 crates of beer has now turned into a 2 hour man hunt running from shop to shop, searching for things he hasn’t even heard of, in all the wrong isles and all the wrong shops.

Now because he’s a man he also will refuse to ask a shop employee and will get back home all sweaty and grumpy lying that "they just ran out of stock".

I have not altogether given up hope though, I think it is possible for me to maybe gradually work my way up from slightly simpler recipes to eventually reach the point where I can tackle more ambitious dishes. To ensure high success rate cooking I will therefore:

choose easy recipes with only a few steps (mix all ingredients, put in the oven)
make sure all ingredients involved are all present before commencement.
be patient – I naturally expect to be a five star chef overnight without putting in any effort, however this may not be entirely realistic...I’ll need to:
practice a lot

in addition to:

using a kitchen timer
using my new kitchen scales

In doing so I aim at:

improving my basic cooking skills
getting more insight in recipes and ingredients

Luckily I already have one fantastic recipe for chocolate cake. It is easy to make, quick, flop proof and still orgasmic. So whenever I fail one of my new recipes, that’s what I can always rely on to make everything alright!

So if you’re in the same predicament and you need a pick me up; try it – you WILL succeed.

Enjoy.

Miriam Lambrecht

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Conquering my recipe phobia

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